At first
by amoet
Summary: Sometime after Jinchuu and before the rest of Kenshingumi leave. Kaoru ponders her relationship with the former hitokiri.


_New to RK fanfiction, but already a fan since FFnet hasn't born yet. Thanks to the live action movie, the muse suddenly popped up. This idea just came up in my mind, a bridge before Kaoru asks Kenshin to become "her family" in Reflection OVA. I think they would have another conversation before that and also before Sano gone and both Megumi and Yahiko left the dojo._

_Rurouni Kenshin and all of its property are not mine. If it does, Kenji will have a lot of siblings._

_Update: beta'ed by rockmama2202 _

At first, Kaoru never thought too much. After Enishi's Jinchu, they all concentrated on Kenshin's recovery, and then Enishi went missing. After that, Kenshin took her to his first wife's grave. In front of her grave, Kaoru only prayed for Tomoe-san and expressed her gratitude for watching over the rurouni, and hopefully Enishi, and perhaps even for protecting Kaoru herself while on the island.

Again, she never thought too much. She was constantly at Kenshin's side because he seemed agitated and restless if he couldn't see her. She had asked Megumi-san, Sanosuke, even Yahiko what happened that night when Enishi kidnapped her and she always caught a haunted look on their faces. That they all gave her such an expression made her wonder what Kenshin had felt.

And now, after everything had turned a little bit _normal_, Kaoru began to think again. What would happen to Kenshin and her? What path were they to take? Kenshin didn't seem to want to make their relationship more than friends. Moreover, she was far from the ideal type of a woman, her cooking was terrible, not to mention her tomboy attire. While another woman acted like a lady, she was teaching students and practicing kenjitsu. She still remembered what Enishi had said to her during her time on the island, that she would never replace Tomoe-san in his heart and perhaps…in Kenshin's heart as well.

At first Kaoru had only thought it was said by someone who already blinded by rage and revenge. But as time went by, she began to think perhaps Enishi had a point. Kenshin never talked about his first wife much and he still felt guilty for her death. Only after visiting her grave, he looked more relieved. The rurouni expressed his gratitude, his remorse, and also said goodbye.

All of that didn't ease her.

Just like Enishi said, she could never replace Tomoe-san.

And for that reason, she began to look for activities outside the dojo so she wouldn't see Kenshin as much. That didn't help, though. The ex-manslayer seemed to have reasons for just walking her to the nearby dojo or waiting for her outside the dojo after her teaching was done. His eyes were soft and spoke of a lot of emotions but Kaoru herself didn't dare to hope. She also didn't know if Kenshin knew her purpose in avoiding him.

Apparently, her actions were noticed by Sanosuke. One beautiful morning while Kenshin bought tofu for them and Kaoru didn't have to teach until the afternoon, the ex-street fighter sat next to her on the engawa.

"Hey, Jou-chan."

Kaoru smiled and looked over at the man who slowly sat next to her. "Hey there. Don't worry. Kenshin will be here soon for our lunch."

Sano laughed. "No, I didn't come here for that. Well, actually I did, but that's the next thing on my agenda."

Kaoru raised her eyebrows playfully. "You have agenda?"

Sano laughed again. "Okay, Jou-chan. Let's straight to the point. Why are you avoiding Kenshin?"

Kaoru's eyes widened.

"Tsk…do you think we don't even notice?"

Kaoru sighed. "If even you could notice, how about Kenshin?"

"Ha! That's my point. And knowing Kenshin, he would never ask you out loud."

There was a temporary silence before Kaoru spoke again.

"I'm beginning to think about what Enishi had said to me on the island. He always insulted me and compared me with Tomoe-san. He even said that I could never replace her sister in his heart and probably in Kenshin's heart too."

From her peripheral vision, Kaoru could see Sano raise his eyebrows and huff. "You do know he's a little bit psychotic, right?"

"Even if he is, it is true."

Kaoru looked over at the garden with dreamy eyes while Sano looked at her face. "I can't cook; Mother passed away when I was little so no one taught me. All I can do is teach how to use a shinai. I'm sweaty and I have tomboy attitude. I'm far from the ideal woman." She shook her head sadly. "I could never replace Tomoe-san in Kenshin's heart, not that I want to. She is part of him and I can't take that away." And then, she laughed bitterly. "Can you imagine? I know he was the Battousai. Kami-sama knows how many people he killed and yet, I didn't care. But, knowing his heart already felt love before he met me... It really unnerved me. I'm not normal."

Sano laughed softly. "Well, you aren't. You took a former manslayer, a homeless boy, an opium maker and ex-street fighter to live in your place. It's not a surprise if people don't think you're normal."

Kaoru giggled.

Sano sighed. "You're underestimating yourself. You already proved so much, Jou-chan. You gave us home, family…you even didn't care about our past and wrongs. You even stood against the Juppongatana with Yahiko to show your support. Not many people, or you can say, women, can do what you do."

Kaoru blinked.

Sano went on. "From my perspective, Kenshin might be still in love with his first wife. She was the one who showed him there's another life besides the violence and killing. That's what makes him then. And then, he met you. You are the one who accepted him both as Battousai and rurouni. That's what he needs now. He met Tomoe-san when he was still the Battousai. The rurouni didn't know her, then. You already met with both sides of his personality. In the end, he chooses you, Jou-chan."

Kaoru bit her lip. "Yes, I've seen him fight both in his Battousai and rurouni personality. When he fought with Jin-e in his Battousai state, he said he didn't mind killing again to save me."

Sano nodded. "See? Now you understand."

Kaoru smiled, but then her face turned gloomy. "I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to make of him. A friend? I don't think so. A couple? Not that either."

Sano pursed his lips. "Like I said, he would never ask you out loud. I suggest you speak to him. Even as a man, I can see his patience is wearing thin."

Kaoru looked at Sano again. Her eyes wide with worry.

"I don't mean about leaving," Sano spoke again. "I think he would never leave you again. He doesn't have the heart to do that. Not after Enishi-" Sano sighed.

"What?"

Sano shook his head. "You best ask Kenshin."

Kaoru huffed. "Why is it everybody doesn't want to talk about what happened that night?"

Sano smiled grimly. "That's why I think you better ask Kenshin."

And then…

"Tadaima, de gozaru…"

Sano smirked. "Speak of the devil and the devil may come." He winked at Kaoru before turned his attention fully to the rurouni. "Oy…I'm hungry. Hurry, cook the meal!"

The redhead blinked. "Oro?"

Kaoru only smiled.

x

In the afternoon, like always, Kaoru hurriedly left her place to teach at a nearby dojo. Kaoru just couldn't deal with Kenshin after what she had told Sano. Sano only shook his head when he saw her hasty departure.

The teaching session went smoothly, and she barely registered that it was raining outside. By the time her teaching was done, the rain hadn't stopped. Kaoru sighed. She had never thought it was going to rain, so she hadn't brought her umbrella. The sword instructor thought she would go home drenched and would then have to deal with Kenshin's worried expression.

After the last student went home, Kaoru bid goodbye to the dojo owner, who asked Kaoru to stay until the rain stopped, but Kaoru politely declined the offer. When she stepped outside, she went still.

There, across the dojo, a man with red hair and dark gi leaned on the wall, an extra umbrella in his hands. Kaoru suddenly remembered she hadn't repaired Kenshin's red gi after it got ruined during his fight with Enishi. His reverse-blade was on his left hip like always. He raised his head and stood up, bowing to the dojo owner. The owner smiled and bowed back before closing the front door.

Kaoru blinked. "Kenshin?"

The redhead swordsman smiled. "This one brings your umbrella, Kaoru-dono, that he does." He walked slowly to Kaoru and handed her the umbrella.

Kaoru slowly came back to reality and returned his smile. "Thank you."

Wordlessly, she opened the umbrella and started to walk side by side with Kenshin. They were silent during the journey home, only the sound of raindrops and their footsteps echoed on the street. When they reached Kamiya dojo, Kenshin opened the front gate and waited until Kaoru stepped inside before closing the door.

"This one already prepared your bath and your dinner, that he did," Kenshin's soft voice alerted Kaoru.

Kaoru smiled again. She knew Kenshin could use ki to sense someone's presence and emotion; she wondered if he knew she was nervous at the moment. "Thank you. I'm not really hungry. I'll just take the bath. Good night, Kenshin."

Kaoru hurriedly went to her room and prepared for her bath. The dojo was quiet. It looked like Yahiko stayed at the Akabeko and Megumi-san at the clinic and Sano was nowhere in sight. After the Enishi incident, they seemed to purposely leave her and Kenshin alone in the dojo often for some unknown reason. Kaoru sensed that it was was related to the time when Enishi captured her.

After a relaxing bath, Kaoru went back to her room and quietly opened her drawer. Her father's red gi- now Kenshin's- was on the top and she took it out. Carrying a lantern and her sewing kit, Kaoru opened her shoji door and sat quietly on the engawa. The rain hadn't stopped, so it was really a peaceful night. The quietness in the dojo almost reminded her the time before Kenshin, Yahiko and Megumi stayed at her place.

Almost.

"Kaoru-dono?"

Kaoru's hand stilled. She looked up to see Kenshin in his yukata, his reverse-blade in his right hand.

She smiled. "Kenshin? You haven't slept yet?"

From the dim light of her lantern, she could see him shake his head. Kaoru patted the space next to her. "Then, perhaps you can give me company?"

Kenshin smiled and walked in her direction before lowering his sakabatou and sitting next to her.

"May this one ask what Kaoru-dono is doing?"

Kaoru's fingers expertly fixed the hole in the red gi. "Fixing your gi. I just remembered to do it now, after what happened."

"Hmm…"

Another comfortable silence, but inside Kaoru suddenly felt nervous. All her insecurities came up to the surface. As if Kenshin sensed it, he suddenly spoke.

"May this one ask Kaoru-dono something?"

Kaoru went still and looked up at Kenshin's face.

"This one is very happy that Kaoru-dono lets this unworthy one stay in her house. This one wants to ask if Kaoru-dono has ever regretted her decision, that he does."

Kaoru's heart rate increased and Kenshin apparently sensed it,for he quickly looked at her face.

"No. Never. Why do you ask?"

Kenshin smiled grimly. "It's just that Kaoru-dono seems to be avoiding this one. This one just wants to know if he has ever made Kaoru-dono upset, that he does."

Kaoru sighed. Sano was right. She had better talk about this. She put aside her work and folded her hands on her lap. Kaoru looked up to the night sky and the pouring rain.

"Nothing in particular is wrong. I've just had a lot on my mind."

"Is it because this one took Kaoru-dono to the cemetery?"

Kaoru took a deep breath and lowered her head. "Some of it."

She heard Kenshin sigh. "Forgive this one if that was upsetting, Kaoru-dono. After all that happened, this one just thought Kaoru-dono could see this one's past."

There was a trace of sadness in Kenshin's voice that made her to look at the swordsman's face. And indeed, his eyes seemed haunted and then he said in low voice, "Tomoe was a lovely woman, that she was. She was this one's first love."

Kaoru looked away. She knew it was silly to feel jealous. She already knew she could never replace Kenshin's first wife.

"But, in the love, there was also a betrayal. Neither of us were really in the right frame of mind. Our marriage was just a convenience, although it changed near the end. This one took away her happiness and she wanted to get revenge. This one felt betrayed."

From her peripheral vision, she could see Kenshin's sad face. And then she suddenly spoke. "There's a thin line between love and hate." Kaoru's eyes widened after she said those words and she quickly covered her mouth.

Kenshin smiled sadly. "This one supposes that is true."

Kaoru lowered her hands and she knew there was no turning back. Kenshin had already spoken of his heart and she also had to, even when she knew it was only one-sided. Feeling the heaviness in her heart, Kaoru spoke in a clear voice with the hint of sadness. "I'm sure you know how I feel about you, Kenshin. I'm not asking you to return my feelings. I know I could never replace Tomoe-san's in your heart. Even Enishi said that to me. But, I also don't want to. It would be a shame for the memory of both of you."

Kaoru sighed and looked up again to the rainy sky. "Megumi-san asked me once if I could do what Tomoe-san had done, sacrificing my life for you. At that time, I knew I couldn't compete with her." Kaoru closed her eyes before opening it again and dared herself to look at Kenshin's face.

He looked at her with sad eyes. Kaoru smiled and reached out, softly held his scarred cheek. "You said yourself Tomoe-san is kinder than anyone else so I'm sure she wants you to be happy, no matter the choice you have. I know I could never make you truly happy. But, at least allow me to share your pain and burden."

Kenshin's eyes widened a bit and Kaoru slowly took her hand away. In one swift move, Kenshin grasped her hand and placed it on his beating heart. Kaoru's heart pounded; this was the first time Kenshin had ever held her in such intimate way.

"This heart almost stopped beating when this one thought you were dead, Kaoru-dono. What good was this one's sword if the one most important thing in his life was gone?"

Kaoru stared into Kenshin's eyes. A fierce determination and also a soft glow of love radiated from them. But, what did he say? He thought she was dead?

"Kenshin, what do you mean you thought I was dead?"

Kenshin's eyes turned haunted again as if the memory pained him. "It's Enishi's true Jinchu. The attack was only a decoy. The main plan was to take you away from this one. It's just, his plan was really…" Kenshin shook his head.

"Tell me," Kaoru said softly.

"Enishi made this one believed he had killed you. This one saw you pinned to the wall with Enishi's sword and a cross-shaped scar on your cheek." His eyes turned misty and he lowered his head. Kaoru's eyes widened. 'So, that's why he has been so protective,' she thought.

"This one exiled himself in Rakuninmura. There was no point in living again."

'Oh...' Kaoru smiled and covered Kenshin's hand, still holding her cheek. "But, I'm here. I'm alive. You don't need to worry so much."

Kenshin looked at Kaoru's face again. "Just like Kaoru-dono said that Tomoe would want this one to be happy; the reason for this one's happiness is you. This one couldn't bear if he loses you, that he couldn't. This one always wants to see your smile, Kaoru-dono. Tomoe always smiled, but never her true smile until nearly her last breath. You give your heart and smile fully for a man like this one. This one wishes for more of it, that he does."

Kenshin squeezed Kaoru's hands. "You are wrong, Kaoru-dono. You stood by this one in Kyoto, even shielded this one yourself when Enishi wanted to kill this one. For someone who relied on himself for so long, it's so hard to believe anyone could care for and love this one so much. This one only asks if he can stay by your side to see your smile, Kaoru-dono, and this one will guard it with all his heart and life."

Kaoru smiled with teary eyes and leaned her head to Kenshin's chest, his heart beating in her ear. Kenshin wrapped his arms around her. There were no more words to say for they both knew his heart spoke more than just love words.

"Stay with me, Kenshin."

Kenshin smiled and leaned his chin on top of Kaoru's head. "Always, Kaoru."

_In my eyes, the moment Kenshin said goodbye to Tomoe in front of her grave is the moment he wants to make peace with his past so he can move on. The same thing goes to Tomoe in "Trust and Betrayal" OVA when in her eyes she sees her bloody late fiancé smiles sadly at her knowing her heart not his anymore. I'm sure Tomoe will let Kenshin be happy too for he finds his second love._

_Kenshin is really a complicated person, even after more than a decade I love the manga and series, I never truly understand his character. But, he is also a human with heart and what I post now is what I think about his feeling regarding his past and present love._

_Glossary_

_Tadaima: I'm home_

_De gozaru: Another form of "desu", Kenshin used this._

_Oro: Kenshin's expression of "huh"_

"_dono" : Kenshin addreses the women around him with this title. In the manga, he doesn't drop the "dono" for Kaoru even after marriage. I think it's more of a habit. He drops the title when something turns serious, just like the end of this story._

_Engawa: a wooden porch_

_This one (sessha in Japanese): This is how Kenshin addresses himself._


End file.
